My Thanksgiving Feud with my Family

I've made Thanksgiving dinner for 30 years for my family, but since my older sister passed away in 2018, I've had no help. At least she made mashed potatoes. This year I decided I'm not having anything and now my younger brother and sister are mad at me. I gave them more than enough time to make other plans. Going out to dinner is problematic for my family because my Sister-in-Law has Celiac disease (gluten free) and so are the kids.

I just don't feel up to it this year and I'm really disappointed in their reactions. The first thing that bothers me is that they expect it, as if I'm there to serve them to keep the family together, of course. I always made the dinners out of the goodness of my heart, but I don't think my family really cares about anything but the inconvenience of not having it at my house. They don't respect me or my wishes.

They think because I'm retired I have an abundance of time. In reality, you really slow down in life and don't have the energy to do what you used to. There's so many disappointments in life the older you get.

First, my respect and sympathies.

Secondly, a fixit suggestion: would you be open to Thanksgiving dinner if it were structured like a pot luck? Spread the work around and you can graciously supply the venue with after dinner clean up and dishwasher support? (Or do you not really want to even do that now?) It just seems like "Jo cooks"/"Jo doesn't cook" is an artificial duality. Unless you literally don't even want to supply the table and the house.

If not, they would be on blast that they really are the problem even if (as in all families) they will never admit it. If you're being blamed for not being the permanent family holiday restaurant then that is fairly crappy.

Thirdly: Major holidays have become my bane. As you get older and as people either die, go into long term care, or drift away, or change their attitudes, the current holiday becomes a very sad reminder of past happinesses that can't be recaptured in any way.

This situation is a variation of that theme.

Sucks.

Thanks for your respect and sympathies. Its hard to do a pot luck with my family on Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law will make things, but they haven't come the past couple of years because my nephew (13) is bored to tears at my house. They've been going to her family's dinner where there are other young kids.

My younger sister can't cook but she'll help cleanup (big whoop), and my nephews are just freeloaders and do nothing. They might bring wine that they drink themselves. I always put up with it all because I wanted to maintain the family, but the younger generation in my family just wants to show up and eat. They really don't appreciate all the work that goes into it and that its a time for people in the family to chip in.

I agree with you that the holidays become a sad reminder of the past when you get older. Its so true. All of my older family is gone and the younger ones don't care about family. This year I'm ending the tradition by not having Thanksgiving. Its the end of an era for me. It's time for the young people to step up or have nothing. I'm done.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is drifting apart, so to speak. Unfortunately, generations now are raised to not value family. I believe that that is part of a wider effort to destroy the family unit.

I had to look it up, Thanksgiving is a week from now, Thursday 23rd, yes?

Is there any chance of having a little talk with your siblings about getting your nieces and nephews more interested in family history? Maybe a couple of people could tell some interesting stories about some family members living and deceased? If everyone brought some food as contribution and you supplied the venue, perhaps it could turn out to be a reasonably fun day, and something the younger crowd might look forward to next year?

Maybe someone could start writing something up as a larger ongoing project?

Yes, Thanksgiving is observed in the US on the fourth Thursday of every November as specified in the 1940s by congress and FDR.

About your ideas: I project myself into my younger self of age 18-30 or so. If I had been asked at those ages to step up I probably would have blown off the challenge out of laziness and a feeling of entitlement, like "it's the old people's job to make this happen."

I would probably have done this for one year, and by the next Thanksgiving I would remember how lonely it was to not have anywhere to go, and I would have probably tried to reboot things.

Unless her younger relatives are downright autistic I bet this happens - they will value the holiday when it is not observed as it has always been.

That is a good idea, ndo. I try to tell them some things, but they would rather just talk about themselves. I'm the oldest in the family and the last one that remembers the olden days. Instead of them being curious about the past it seems they just don't care.

Food is not an option with them. None of them cook and they don't buy good things either. We have a good time when we get together, but they don't appreciate or care how much work goes into making it happen. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.

I'm upset about their attitudes. They're so unfamilylike.

I would feel the same as you do.

Sucks.

Major holidays have become my bane. As you get older and as people either die, go into long term care, or drift away, or change their attitudes, the current holiday becomes a very sad reminder of past happinesses that can't be recaptured in any way.

That is depressing but true!

Sorry to hear about that. My mom has a similar thing going with her family. Her brother (my uncle) has hosted the past few years, my mom ends up cooking, but their sister (and her daughters) will not contribute anything. If the sister does have a holiday dinner, she only invites her kids. It's crazy how people let others pull the weight while they contribute little or nothing.

Having even a basic Thanksgiving dinner is a lot of work. Its just not fair that she makes it all and they do nothing. Family never fails to disappoint.

Family never fails to disappoint.

For sure!

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Good ideas ,ndo

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Sounds like brats

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My Thanksgiving Feud with my Family

My Thanksgiving Feud with my Family